Jonners' Canterbury Tales

Random quotes

Posted on November 22, 2007 by craig

“Oh, that’s where the pizza goes.” – Beverly L (2007-08-11)

“You were in my way whilst I was trying to squirt the monkey!” – Craig K (2007-08-11)

“That’s the first time the Bible has been mistaken for sausages” – Craig K (2007-08-11)

“My belly is so full of bacon and brie, bacon and brie, bacon and brie” – Beth L (2007-08-11)

“I am devoting my life to cleaning his [Jonathan's] sock fluff” – Beth L (2007-08-11)

“I knew it wouldn’t hit you” – Jonathan L (2007-08-11)

“I’m losing weight from my sumo-wrestling days” – Jonathan L (2007-08-11)

“Mummy, I’ve had a good idea. If we throw out all the cars then we can ride horses. Then we won’t kill ourselves.” – A little boy in Wales (2007-08-11)

“I’m quite toned” – Jonathan L (2007-08-11)

“Haha! I bet you never thought you would be flipped by your own sausages!” – Craig K (2007-10-01)

“If they really want to they can get it wet themselves.” – Jonathan L (2007-10-01)

“If Tim comes he will be the vegetarian option” – Beth L (2007-10-02)

“Get some spider bait…. Like what? I don’t know, some sausages or something?” – Craig K (2007-10-02)

“I’m going to grow me a performing stretched donkey” – Cathy L (2007-10-02)

“Most women are domesticated” – Jonathan L (2007-10-20)

“What I’m talking about is little turtles” – Jonathan L (2007-10-20)

“Footsteps… in the walk of shame!” – Beth L (2007-10-20)

“So… imagine a ball and you cut it in half. Then you have half a ball” – Nicola C (2007-10-31)

“Oh look it’s a post. No wait… I’s Jonathan” – Nicola C (2007-10-31)

“Mummy, can we go to the zoo and feed the lion some ham?” – Nicola C (2007-10-31)

“Do you not approve of kissing slippers?” – Nicola C (2007-11-01)

“I’m too busy sawing a strawberry” – Jonathan L (2007-11-05)

“Shakespeare would have thought it was very erotic” – Beth L (2007-11-05)

“I just want you to leave the cheesecake alone! How have you screwed up a cheesecake this much?” – Craig K (2007-11-05)

“Stop fondling the strawberries” – Craig K (2007-11-05)

“Was that you falling over or trying to dance?” – Craig K (2007-11-05)

“Get your head off our fridge!” – Cathy L (2007-11-05)

“Do you want this jar of bolognaise? I found it in a bush” – Alan to everyone (2007-11-05)

“Don’t touch me! I’m fluffed and ready to go!!” – Cathy L (2007-11-05)

“You can’t glomp a sprite bottle; there has to be love” – Cathy L (2007-11-05)

“Given where is was located I assumed it was for the monkey” – Craig K (2007-11-05)

“It’s fun to go through cactuses but they slow you down” – Beth L (2007-11-05)

“I’m having second thoughts, Cathy, how do you feel about becoming a lesbian” – Beth L (2007-11-05)

“stop bullying me for being retarded” – Liam H (2007-11-23)

“Why are you asking me about optical illusions?” – Nicola C (2007-11-23)

“I don’t even read your diary anymore” – Jonathan L (2007-11-28)

“I don’t want anyone to see my breasts!” – Jonathan L (2007-12-07)

“”He looks like he has ears” – Anna … “I DO have ears!” – Jonathan L (2007-12-07)

“Danger is near! water is near! Demelza is near!” – Cathy L (2007-12-11)

“i was laying in bed listening 2 linkin park and scratching my face with my foot” – Jonathan L (2007-12-11)

“Jonathan, if you come back to mine, I’ll show you my socks” – Vicki B (2007-12-13)

“The only place I ever lose weight is my fingers” – Nicola C (2007-12-13)

“Welly style!” – Demelza A (2007-12-13)

“Galoshes!” – Beth L (2007-12-13)

“If I got locked in here overnight I woudl have to wrap myself in toilet paper” – Cathy L (2007-12-13)

“What’s that thing where you forget things?” – Nicola C (2007-12-13)

“I get painted regularly” – Demelza A (2007-12-13)

“So make a stupid people corner for them to go in” – Rachel B (2007-12-13)

“You can’t go wrong with handbags. Except for that huge green one.” – Beth L (2007-12-26)

“What if you had knickers with road signs on them? “Men at work” “strong winds may exist” “hard hats must be worn in this area” “STOP” “yeild to pedestrians”" – Anonymous (2008-01-10)

“Nuns aren’t fat!” – Beth B”The ones in my head are” – Jonathan L (2008-01-18)

“If you can’t stick a pen in a duck what is the world coming to?” – Cathy L (2008-01-18)

“Everyone needs metaphorical balls” – Louise H “I don’t” – Tim S (2008-01-18)

“I was using my ass because I was too busy with my face. You know, because the two are interchangeable on bad days…” – Dan S (2008-01-18)

“I would like to have a kitchen party and everyone has to dress like a blender” – Beth L (2008-01-24)

“It’s not one of my lifelong ambitions to become a duck” – Louise H (2008-01-29)

“It suddenly occurred to me that the drawer was empty so my eyes alighted on the fertile tree of underpants growing in Craig’s room. Ah my life is made so much simpler by the little known knickerfruit of Bolivia.” – Dan S (2008-01-31)

“I don’t imagine Victoria Beckham wearing pants” – Vicki B (2008-02-05)

“How can you have a crush on Christopher Robin?” – Beth L (2008-02-05)

“I am a flipping machine” – Louise “At least you didn’t say tossing machine!” – Anna W (2008-02-05)

“President’s day… it’s like bank holiday, only more American” – Rachel B (2008-02-20)

“Of course it’s long. It’s the Bible, Darling” – Jonathan G (Pastor, Sanctuary) (2008-02-22)

“I like carnival workers and choir boys” – Nicola L (2008-02-23)

“It’s all about inflatable sharks” – Paddy H (2008-02-23)

“I’m not violent, I just like hitting people” – Nick B (2008-02-23)

“At the next full moon… turn right” – Dan S (2008-02-24)

“a man who can lose with grace is a gentleman indeed” – Beth “inside I’m killing everyone” – Jonathan L (2008-02-24)

“Do you think he wanted a tip?” – Beth L (2008-03-01)

“It’s not sunny. It’s night time” – Jonathan L (2008-03-01)

“It’s like doing tech support for a hamster on crack, with a dartboard and a printout of the world wide web ” – Dan S (2008-03-03)

“I may just be soaking your hair in lemonade for no reason” – Beth L (2008-03-06)

“”You can pitch any book you want” Teacher. “Any book?” Classmate. “Any book.” Teacher. “Can we pitch the Bible?” Classmate. “If you know which publisher will take it.” Teacher” – Beth’s Writing Contexts Class (2008-03-07)

“can I play zoomabean? Its a bean that goes fast” – Jonathan L (2008-03-07)

“I feel like one half of a schizophrenic” – Craig K (2008-03-10)

“Hang on, I am distributing the egg.” – Jenna (2008-03-20)

“”How does Henry VIII pee in battle?” “He has a willycup just like astronauts”" – Benna and Jeth (2008-03-20)

“I am trying to eat my pizza and you keep talking about floating pee” – Beth L (2008-03-20)

“Ahhhh… my ears are tingling. Try it!” – Beth L (2008-03-22)

“What if the earth stopped moving? What would the moon do?” – Beth L (2008-03-24)

“oops I sat on my goldfish” – Jenna (2008-03-26)

“How do you say “yay” in spanish? AAAAAIIIIIIII!” – Beth and Jenna (2008-03-26)

“You know when you really have to pee and then you go and you’re like, “aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.”? That’s how my feet feel right now” – Benna and Jeth (2008-03-26)

“monkey bracket out foo on a new line” – Dan S (2008-04-01)

“”Can we live in a houseboat?” ” – Jonathan L (2008-04-03)

“It floats automatically. unless it sinks.” – Jonathan L (2008-04-03)

“I say all off in one, none of this nit-picking” – Demelza A (2008-04-04)

“you might not be a dog, but you still like your tummy rubbed” – Craig K (2008-04-04)

“its easier to get married than 2 get a bank account in this country..” – Beth L (2008-04-05)

“wipe off my finger u yet slobbery fool” – Beth L (2008-04-05)

“if i had sideburns i wouldn’t have them” – Jonathan L (2008-04-05)

“i need to get knocked up” – Jonathan L (2008-04-05)

“Finishing a degree shouldn’t be like falling off a cliff” – Beth’s Writing Contexts Teacher (2008-04-07)

“Quick, jump out of the car and see if it’s invisible” – Beth B, “You do that Beth” – Beverly L (2008-04-09)

“hip deep in pants, which to be honest is the correct depth” – Dan S (2008-04-09)

“I do TRY not to be naked on Facebook…” – Dan S (2008-04-20)

“Don’t prod my fat” – Jonathan L (2008-04-20)

“Baby, we shoudl do this every Wednesday!” – Jessica Roberto (2008-04-20)

“I don’t want to talk about it” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“Be-e-e-e-e-thuh!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“Since U Been Sean!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“George Woman could be an Eliot!” – Jonathan L (2008-04-20)

“He’s a NUTBAG!” – Sean/ Brad Pitt (2008-04-20)

“Actually, Leslie, that’s Morgan Freeman” – Sean (2008-04-20)

“Doris is dead!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“He’s making another film cuz he’s a turdmonkey! Hey! Hey! Hey! He’s making another film cuz he’s a turdmonkey!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“It’s cow juice and borwnie poo” – Jessica Roberto (2008-04-20)

“But not with Jonathan…. Gooble! Gooble! Gooble!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“Is this green thing your soap? Cuz I’m using it” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“Dang it, I can’t see. Let’s tax the Americans!” – Beth L (2008-04-20)

“I smell like pomegranets; wanna be my friend?” – Beth L (2008-04-20)

“Euh!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“I saw Pao!” – Leslie W (2008-04-20)

“let’s kill him!” – Jessica Roberto (2008-04-20)

“Jonathan, because you are a pirate, can you get that pot down?” – Beth L (2008-04-20)

“Jonathan doesn’t strike me as the coolest guy ever” – Beth, 18 September 2005. (2008-04-21)

“No Vicki, the ducks aren’t sneezing” – Louise H (2008-04-26)

“That’s a day well-spent: Magnums, duck porn and David Tennant” – Cathy, Louise and Vicki (2008-04-26)

“I’m more than just hair ” – Nick B (2008-04-28)

“Nick’s hands are so soft” – Jonathan L (2008-04-28)

“Mine at home is in a bigger box” – Nick B (2008-04-28)

“You look like a dolphin” – Beth. “Oh, I was going for a seal” – Jonathan L (2008-04-30)

“I just want to ruffle Dr. Who’s hair” – Cathy L (2008-04-30)

“A lady must have decorum at all times, except if she’s in Asda and wants to skip a bit” – Cathy L (2008-05-01)

“I’m not leading you on, I’m talking about toast” – Cathy L (2008-05-01)

“Stop turning me upside down!” – Cathy L (2008-05-01)

“I’m not greedy, I just eat more” – Nick B (2008-05-01)

“We have a new garden gnome?” – Fran Blomberg (2008-05-03)

“The fat nuns told me. They are knowledgeable” – Jonathan L (2008-05-04)

“Good Nelly, haven’t you heard of tact? Even I know what it is, even if I choose not to employ it.” – Rachel B (2008-05-05)

“No more pencils, no more books… no more money – Get a job!” – Hallmark graduation card (2008-05-05)

“Around here we help carry each other’s balls” – Fran Blomberg, Giles Claussen (2008-05-05)

“Who does this? ‘A standard die with 6 faces is rolled. If a 1 or a 6 is obtained, 2 balls from bag A are chosen. If otherwise, 2 from bag B.’” – Rachel B. “Are the balls magic?” – Beth B. “No. They’re green and red and what they do is come out of a bag.” – Rachel B (2008-05-05)

“So address it to “Uncle Whatsit and His Lady”" – Jonathan L (2008-05-05)

“Your bellybutton looks like the eye of Sauron” – Cathy L (2008-05-08)

“Stop pretend-sexing me! I’m trying to clean your belly button” – Anonymous (2008-05-08)

“I’m ppendix-free, but I have three bellybuttons” – beth, since everyone else put a bellybutton quote. (2008-05-12)

“I will wee when you are weeping, when you laugh I’ll laugh withyou” – Beth L (2008-05-13)

“I’m wearing a blanket; don’t let the Bulgarians in!” – Beth L (2008-05-13)

“In my day, your mother just gave a you a jar of vaseline and that was it.” – Anonymous (2008-05-18)

“Oi! I’m not THAT blonde” – Nicola C (2008-05-22)

“apprently myself and jonners are going to abuse eachother” – Louise H (2008-05-23)

“I’d rather be an Essex lesbian than a chav or a tart” – Nicola C (2008-05-23)

“Paddy, will you go out with Louise so ha ” – Nicola C (2008-05-23)

“Paddy, will you go out with Louise so that she can become a lesbian? ” – Jonathan L (2008-05-23)

“It’s nice to feel used” – Nicola C (2008-05-23)

“It’s not consensual, I’m just being molested” – Louise H (2008-05-23)

“I remember you when you were too small for your ears” – Rachel B (2008-05-23)

“Another way I communicate with my American friends is through my tight dance moves” – dude (2008-05-23)

“So basically Ratty, youre a blonde, Essex lesbian” – Louise H (2008-05-25)

“Hey, I’m not THAT blonde!” – Nicola C (2008-05-25)

“I have a non-pregnant craving” – Craig K (2008-05-26)

“I want a ‘green turbo speed iron’!!! Oh, it’s steam iron…”" – Beth L (2008-05-26)

“I can’t even remember what we’re talking about” – Jonathan L (2008-05-30)

“wow you’re so flat!” – Jonathan L (2008-05-30)

“i know lots of feisty girls” – Michael S (2008-05-30)

“you two are very off-putting” – Demelza A (2008-05-30)

“and i mostly managed to catch beth” – Jonathan L (2008-05-30)

“I swapped you for a moldy loaf of bread and 2 cans of fish” – Cathy L (2008-05-30)

“Beth Hovercraft? Oh, Havencroft, I get it” – Craig K (2008-06-01)

“I live in perpetual fear of potatoes” – Jonathan L (2008-06-02)

“Look, Craig and Demelza are having fun.” – Beth. “No, he’s just hypnotising her” – Jonathan L (2008-06-02)

“That sounds like a tardis… Vicki, get in the fridge!” – Anna W (2008-06-03)

“What makes you think i want to stick my finger in your belly-button?” – Craig K “Not even a little bit?” – Dan S (2008-06-03)

“I stopped to smell a rose and got preganant” – Beth mishearing Jonathan (2008-06-04)

“I’m fluffed already” – Demelza A (2008-06-05)

“What are you, blind or something?” – Louise H (2008-06-06)

“You don’t say” – Nicola C (2008-06-06)

“And YOU don’t SEE!” – Louise H (2008-06-06)

“I don’t have one of those. That’s a s[pecial attachment that costs 49.95″ – Jonathan L (2008-06-08)

“The question is, do I want barbecue sauce on my Meatpacker?” – Dan S (2008-06-11)

“That was in my hardcore days” – Jonathan L (2008-06-12)

“watch out or i’ll get old and shify o your butt” – Jonathan L (2008-06-12)

“Well that’s good, obviously lesbians do it for my computer” – Demelza A (2008-06-20)

“How will we cut the grass? We have no mower” – Beth B “napalm” – Jonathan L (2008-06-20)

“Oh rubbish I’m bouncing poo around” – Cathy L (2008-06-20)

“I can sing in a musical dooby dooby doo” – Jonathan L, in a verrrry high voice (2008-06-21)

“Chubby want a cracker? Tough, you’re not having one; it’s what made you chubby” – Jonathan L (2008-06-22)

“Is that going to bethe name of our first child? Andy Goldsparkle?” – Jonathan L (2008-07-02)

“Why are my feet blue? Why are my THIGHS blue? WHY AM I ASMURF? ” – Leslie W (2008-07-02)

“Rockabye baby, on the tree top. When the bough breaks the baby will be electrocuted” – Beth L (2008-07-02)

“Stop Wriggling!” – Beth L (2008-07-02)

“I’d love to be able to say I’m listening to you” – Jonathan L (2008-07-02)

“Pirate attack! It’s the only way men can have babies” – Jonathan L (2008-07-03)

“Thoise people soudn like Ewoks”-Jonathan, “They’re Chinese you dimwit!” – Beth L (2008-07-08)

“I should get married more often” – Jonathan L (2008-07-15)

“If I’m feeling broody I will probably just get a dog” – Demelza A (2008-07-23)

“That is so gentle. I wish he would caress me like that” – ajonamous (2008-07-26)

“you’re going the wrong way!” – beth “Not even superheros get st right all the time” – Jonathan L (2008-07-26)

“Go away you banana-faced perv” – Beth L (2008-07-26)

“I wish I could be frosty… the snowman, the biggest goof in town” – Jonathan L (2008-07-26)

“I’ve been discarded like a cheap chicken” – Jonathan L (2008-07-26)

“Ok, but before you go let me eyebrow you. Is this some kind of fetish?” – Jonathan L (2008-07-26)

“Let’s hope Fulham does better this year” – Jonathan, on the phone with BT tech support (2008-07-31)

“When did they get salad in England?” – Craig B (2008-08-03)

“Can you get the Sunday Roast on another day?” – Craig B “I don’t think anyone in this country has ever asked that question” – Beth L (2008-08-03)

“It kinda takes the fun out of being raped” – Anonymous (2008-08-10)

“Badgering? That sounds rather erotic” – Demelza A “Only for the badger” – Craig K (2008-08-10)

“I have a happy wife, who has a happy job, in a happy place, where Jesus lives…. Is it a mental hospital?” – Jonathan L (2008-09-02)

“My website is better than facebook cuz i don’t make all these changes that get rid of your privacy. With my website there never was any privacy.” – Jonathan L (2008-09-11)

“hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, I jumped over the moon” beth ” I’m not that surprised” – Jonathan L (2008-09-15)

“Bread doesn’t exist” – Jonathan L (2008-09-15)

“…I have deformed my bungee. ” – Dan S (2008-09-24)

“Craig and his army of undead babies” – Jonathan L (2008-09-29)

“I need to recharge my headpod” Beth L “You need to recharge your brain” – Jonathan L (2008-09-29)

“You could fill a pillow with me.” – Dan S (2008-09-29)

“I love you as much as a train with 29 boxcars full of bugatti veyrons and Lewis Hamilton with his formula 1 car on the end, driven by Clive” – Jonathan L (2008-10-02)

“I’ll take care of him; I’ll throw him in the pond. Which we don’t have. Yet.” – Jonathan L (2008-10-02)

“Get the bags together baby, we;re going to sainsbury’s!!” – jonathan l (2008-10-07)

“I’m not expected to think here” – Alastair King (2008-10-07)

“He can do anything. He can use his Go Go Jesus Arms” – Beth L (2008-10-11)

“ArSee WomNar!” – Craig K (2008-10-20)

“she shivered under my probing crease” – Anonymous (2008-10-27)

“How did I miss the sex?!” – Anonymous (2008-11-01)

“ive never compared sex to toilet roll before” – Anonymous (2008-11-03)

“Was dust invented in cave times?” – Caroline (2008-11-17)

“I don’t eat them, they just go here.” – Craig “…the correct procedure is not to plaster it all over your naked belly” – Dan S (2008-11-18)

“John Sergeant has quit strictly” – Demelza A “Is that the fat one?” – Nana (2008-11-19)

“I don’t think a Jewish person threatened to tickle Hitler” – Beth L (2008-11-20)

“Are you sure you want my knee in your chest?” – Jonathan L “no, I want the rest of you” – Beth L (2008-11-29)

“Wikipedia, that well know source of interesting ideas” – Dan S (2008-11-29)

“I think all the money from the swear jar should goto a tourettes charity” – Demelza A (2008-12-05)

“You’re a chipmunk with a facial stroke and I’m a trout in a hat” – Beth L (2008-12-18)

“I don’t change my mind, I just make different decision” – Demelza A (2009-02-02)

“You are as posh as the other side of the pan, the burnt side” – Frazer A (2009-02-04)

“I like walking cheese” – Jonathan L (2009-03-08)

“Gaseus Maximus Andromedus, that’s me” – Jonathan L (2009-03-08)

“We could build a hybrid dodgem…” – Dan S (2009-03-28)

“That’s the way the cookie dough explodes out of my bellybutton!” – Jonathan L (2009-03-30)

“Dearest, you’re wider than the sofa” – Craig K (2009-04-10)

“That’s some extreme frictionizing. I’m scared!” – Jonathan L (2009-04-15)

“My bellybutton secrets fluff.” – Jonathan L (2009-04-15)

“I say nice things, I just do diddly squat” – Demelza A (2009-04-28)

“I don’t want to eat a sausage, because it’s nearly bedtime” – Jonathan L (2009-05-12)

“Ancient queen Bertha has a shapely bottom’ – Jonathan L ‘Your not supposed to look” – Beth L (2009-05-23)

“Jonathan: Cathy’s got a good one. Beth: Yes, he’s a nice boy. Jonathan: And if you threaten him, he’ll bite your nipples off!” – (2009-06-09)

“Hey honey will you come in the kitchen and jiggle my chips?” – Jonathan L (2009-06-11)

“Live a little granny, you’re 186!” – Jonathan L (2009-06-11)

“PUSH! NO, RACHEL, PUSH! PUSH, NOT PULL! You’ll never be able to have a baby because you don’t know how to push!” – Beth L (2009-06-29)

“”Do you know who I am?” -Brian. “He seems to have forgotten who he is!” – Rachel” – (2009-06-29)

“But who will be there to father funk and fruitcake?” – Jonathan L (2009-07-05)

“Coding is quite difficult when you have a head.” – Jonathan L (2009-07-05)

“Don’t do that, all the women will want one” – Craig K (2009-07-06)

“I could have quipped back there but I forgot” – Jonathan L (2009-07-06)

“Babies aren’t good conversation” – Beth L “Well neither am I” – Jonathan L (2009-07-13)

“No the fish doesn’t want a hat!” – Dad to toddler at pond (2009-07-13)

“I don’t have mellons, I wish I did” – Cathy L (2009-08-08)

“If I have to marry you ” – Craig K (2009-09-07)

“I need to go and do the computer so I can do something worthwhile” – Craig K (2009-09-07)

“Who put Craig K as the author (grumble grumble) oh that would be me” – Craig K (2009-09-07)

“Can I go to the MRI machine? It will make me have a seizure!” – Beth L (2009-09-07)

“Argh! I’m being ducked to death!” – Louise H (2009-09-15)

“Oh dear, I’m going to be one wife short of a bundle” – Jonathan L (2009-09-19)

“Hippo doesn’t tickle, he has no fingers” – Beth L (2009-10-22)

“As soon as I learned you were a cheesecake I knew how to escape!” – Jonathan L (2009-10-22)

“It’s a moustache that has to die” – Jonathan L (2009-10-30)

“Let’s live on love. No, that is a silly idea. Let’s live on money” – Jonathan L (2009-10-30)

“Daddy’s having an identity crisis. He thinks he’s a sheep” – Jonathan L (2009-10-30)

“See if we had a child, where would my handbag go?!” – Demelza A (2009-11-03)

“I can slap my belly!” – Jonathan, slapping his belly. (2009-12-08)

“It made sense until I opened my mouth” – Jess N (Louise H’s flatmate) (2010-03-08)

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